Countdown for Chinese New Year sad

Tomorrow will be the First Day Of Febuary in 2013 and Chinese New Year will be arrive soon. I feel so SAD and Disappointed to this CNY. My family can just ignore me. They had prepared what they need for CNY but I am the one who not yet prepared anything yet for CNY. Maybe you will say I can be Independent, I can go prepare this for myself. But you don't know my Family, they not just don't care about you, they can also won't let you get what you want. What they had is the Expensive ones, what they wants is no need Cr\are about the Pricess. But my Parents tell me that they will bring me go some places to buy some Cheapest Shirt or Pants, it will cost not more that RM 100. I was just WHAT?! One of you bought your things at least RM 300 and most expensive is RM 500 plus. But you all want me to bought just RM100?! Is this FAIR?? What I meant to you all? Why you all need to this to me? You can feel that feelings when someone tell you like this?? I want to scream to them but I can't! They always think I use the most money, HEllo! One month i got use more that RM100?! I swear I don't have! My Brother 1 month at least need RM 450 for the school fees. Why not his fault? Why suddenly is my fault?

Few days ago I have a weird dream. That dream got one women she talks to me that I'm too over because I keep on thinking I want to buy the things I want when I have money. This also a Fault??! I didn't call my parents bought me the things that Expensive but I tell myself when I got money I will bought it myself, I know my parents can't support me. Is this also Fault?! I JUST THINK! But I didn't ACTION! Is it Fault?
I thnk like this I just can help myself to not keep thinking of that things when I have no money and I also can't tell my parents to force them to buy when they really can't support. I did this I just hope myself won't be Fight with parents or argue with parents about this things. I just don't want them feel upsad when they can't buy me a things that I want. Is this MY FAULT TOO?

They always force me to understand their situation and their feelings, but they don't even care about me. Why?! They always give many excuse when I tell them my problem and they will say back that is my Problem? why?!

I realize what i did also Wrong. Everything that out from me is Wrong! They want me changed I changed. At the end they said I didn't change at all. THEY DON'T LIKES ME. NO MATTER HOW I HARD I DO THEY WON'T FEEL APPRECIATE. IN THEIR EYES JUST HAVE MY BROTHER! I MORE WORST THAN PET OR A MAID! THEY DON'T LIKES ME! I STARTED TO HATE YOU ALL. SORRY!  

21/01/2013 - Monday

That day is my first time interview. Start interview at 11.00am at 19 Level Menara Dion. I was so nervous! This job is an Am Bank Clerk. So I try out myself to apply it. That day my father off day and accompany me go interview, I know this is support from my parents. Started I tell them I will take LRT there but at the end my father fetch me go there. 

I was interview by 2 Chinese Women. One called Miss Chin and anather was Miss Khoo. Miss Chin is a Senior Manager and Miss Khoo position is bigger than Miss Chin which is Besides the Bos (I not remember what is the name).  Miss Chin reach earlier than Miss Khoo. (2 of them was late) Miss Chin tell me that I am the First Chinese who apply for clerk, before this no Chinese was interested this kind of job. I was get shocked listen this! After Heard this I totally no mood to continue my interview. I just want faster back home. They asked me why don't want to further study. I decide to further study because I know myself is not good in study, not just that I not good in every part! I have my reason that not to further study. They said if I want get a higher position I need take a part time Finance Course. What?! Need take course? OMG! Now I'm trying to not to use my parents a lot money to let me study, I know no matter how much they spend on study for me, at the end I will get back the sucks result to let them feel Disappointed and feel Embarrassed in front of all the relative. So, I give up to further study.

This is the day I feel so Shameless To Myself! I really not good in Everythings! Sorry My Parents! :(

Fairy Tales？

After watching the [Secret Garden] drama I suddenly have many imagination about the Fairy tales. I wonder is it true or false.When I was small I like to watch fairy tales, and I believe is true. But now I not really believe. I just have many questions to ask about fairy tales. I hope this world can really exist Price and I will be the Princess, but I was think too much on it. And I don't believe it will be happen to me. So I better forget about it.

Spechless

Again! I'm failed in my MUET exam. WHY?! I have tried my best to get a better result, but why I still can get this kind of result? I wanna cry, but no 'water' come out. D; Why?! Why my life always ending with failed? Even thought I tried my best and still fail? Okay.. I started look down on myself, everything I done with something with the failed in the ending. This can prove that I am WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! Who can worst than me? I think don't have. :) I am the only one in this whole world. Sometimes i wish I can Die! I just make my family feel embarrassed because of me? In this almost 20 years I have nothing can make my family feel proud of me or even them self.  I better go die so that my family wont feel this anymore! :(

Today is my mom Birthday, I wish I can get a better result as my mom present, make her happy. But I make her feel sad now!

I am a hopeless people. I cant give my mom present in her Birthday. I's sorry mom. I wish I can give her a BIG present to mom one day. But can I? I started not trusted myself and look down on me! SORRY!